When your daily activities are in concert with your highest priorities, you have a credible claim to inner peace. – Hyrum Smith


9/30/11

Just so you know


Dear Parker & Maddie,

Sometimes I question whether or not writing this blog is a good thing.  It started out as a way to help me remember all of the day to day details of your childhood (that I feared I would forget).  I wanted to fill it with cute memories, funny stories and the like.  In fact, I have omitted several incidences that I would rather forget (either because of your bad behavior or my own). 

However, I fear that one day you may read this blog and wonder, "But what about all the bad days?"  Like today.  And sadly, many other days.  It's not that the day was all bad.  I just found myself failing over and over.  I want to write about it because I want you to understand...I want you to understand our life situation, my motivation, and what I think and feel about you.

#1.  I love you both so much that it literally makes my heart ache.  I will always love you, though I may not always like your behavior.  Your are my precious, precious gifts from God. 

#2.  Life is challenging right now, and it's not your fault.  Parker you are 4, and Maddie you are almost 3.  You are both active, strong-willed, and inquisitive.  Jack is only 2 months.  He requires a huge amount of my time and energy.  I know it's hard to be patient while he's eating and quiet while he's sleeping. 

#3.  I have the best intentions.  Like when I promise you both some "special time" and Jack wakes up early from a nap needing to eat right away.  Or when I say we will go to the park but then realize Jack hasn't had a nap in his bed all day and really needs one.  Or when I say I'll play a game with you while I'm nursing him, but your game requires me to sit on the floor and I can't find a position that doesn't break my back, so I have to move (which, according to your rules, ruins the game you've created). 

#4.  I'm sorry.  Kiddos, I'm a sinner.  Though I start out with good intentions, my own selfishness often prevails.  I snap at you.  I yell at you.  I glare at you.  I am so, so sorry.  Mommy is a work in progress.

I want you to know that after I was finally able to tuck Jack in for the night tonight (after a very, very long day), I went to each of your rooms, kissed all over your sleeping faces and whispered in your ears, "Mommy loves you.  Mommy loves you."  I want you to know it deep inside.  I want you to believe it despite my bad behavior.  I want you to remember it.  I love you. 

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