Big, fat, teardrops are landing on my arms as I type. Minutes ago I was simply planning my day for tomorrow. Drop Parker off at preschool, go to the bank, go to the gym, have some special time with Maddie while Jack naps, call some schools...
Call some schools, as in call schools to find out about kindergarten programs. The big K. It hit me like a ton of bricks, and I can't stop crying.
I've had friends whose kids have gone to kindergarten. At the time I simply didn't get it. What was the big deal? These kids had gone to preschool, right? So now they'd be gone a little longer. So what?
Well for those of you with the same questions, let me tell you what...
He's my baby. Yes, he's leggy, but he's still my baby. I still swoop him into my arms and kiss his soft cheeks. He still lets me snuggle in bed and sing him to sleep. His preschool is less than one mile from our home. On nice days we walk there. Any school I choose for him will now require a vehicle. A big, yellow vehicle. Filled with kids who don't know...
They don't that he is precious. They don't know that his feelings are easily hurt, though he tries to appear tough when the bigger kids don't let him play their games. They don't know that he's trusting to a fault. For the most part, he hasn't encountered any malicious or ugly behavior. He believes everyone is good.
Questions plague my heart. Have I done enough to instill in him the importance of being kind to everyone? Does he know he is loved and will always have Mommy and Daddy in his corner no matter what? Does he know he is a person of value even when the world tells him he is not?
It is such a blessing that I can't follow him into school and hover over him (because I am sure that is just what I'd do). My Parker is an extrovert. He'll make friends, no problem. It's just that I know that he'll encounter bad stuff, too. How I want to protect him! How thankful I am that my God is big enough to do it for me!
Psalm 121:1-8 I lift up my eyes to the hills- where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip - he who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The LORD watches over you - the LORD is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night. The LORD will keep you from all harm - he will watch over your life; the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.
Even as I write, I am feeling better. Reading God's Word just does that to me. It changes you from the inside out. I titled this post "210" because that is exactly how many days I have until Parker enters kindergarten. I had been racking my brain, trying to think of how best to fill those days to make sure he had fun but was still learning, that he felt carefree but continued to be responsible, that he felt loved but not smothered. It was an exhausting mental exercise.
I just need to breathe and take a step back. It's time to fix my gaze where it belongs (and it's not on Parker). My friend, Serina, recently told me that a speaker at her moms' group said, "It's not your job to be a good mom...Your job is to glorify God."
Think about it. When you focus on making sure every action you take brings glory to God, everything else falls into place. You won't be snippy with your kids. You won't be catty when you chat with the girls. You won't be rude to your spouse. You won't be preoccupied with future fears.
*relieved sigh* I'm looking forward to the next 210 days.