In August I visited my dear friend, Gretchen, in Florida. Without the kids (or husband). Wowzuhs! You want to talk about relaxing??
We ate fabulous seafood, we read books, we laid out at the beach, we had drinks, we watched TV, we went to the bathroom [wait for it...] alone! It was a little bit of heaven on earth.
And now I am paying for it.
Well, not really paying for it, just serving my time the way Aaron did when I was gone. He and his mom are currently taking a 5-day trip to San Francisco. They do this every once in a blue moon. I think it's sweet that they get along so well and have that special time alone. I thought it was sweeter before we had kids, but I digress...
So, tonight I am fantasizing. About chocolate. Oh how I want some of that sweet, brown goodness right now! You'd think that the Twix bars I devoured while the kids were drying off from their baths would suffice. You'd be wrong.
The sad thing is that they weren't even my Twix bars. They were Maddie's! Oh the shame! Even as I type this, I am secretly hoping Aaron won't read this particular post. He brought them home for her the other night.
[Cue the excuses.] Okay, that kid eats wayyy too much sugar as it is. She has a stash up in her room that she doesn't even touch! (I'm starting to wonder if she's really my biological child.) She is more excited about the receiving-a-gift aspect of her candy than the actual candy itself. She didn't even know it was still up on the counter. (Nevermind the fact she's too short to see on top of the counter.) If it really mattered to her, she would have asked for it by now. Right? Right???
I am quite the opposite of Maddie. When I'm feigning [see Urban Dictionary definition] for some sugar, I do not care whether or not it is a gift. In fact, it's origin does not concern me at all. For example, that half-eaten, 4-day old chocolate Easter bunny? Fair game. "Your bunny? Oh honey, Mommy had to get rid of it. You know we start to get ants this time of year!" Notice I didn't say how Mommy disposed of said bunny.
I realize I sound downright evil at this point, but I don't think you realize the extent of my sugar addiction. Even Dr. Oz says sugar is highly addictive. Look it up!
It doesn't help that Aaron and I recently went on this health kick and got rid of everything, and I mean everything, good in the house. The only sugar available is in the bag (for baking) or honey (which doesn't even really count as far as I'm concerned).
So here I am, 2 Twix bars with a heavy side of guilt later. All of my justifications aren't really helping. And I'm still craving chocolate.
This is my fantasy (and final confession for the night):
I set the baby monitor up in the middle of the house (to capture any sound). I crank the receiver way up. I dial the home phone with my cell phone and set the home phone next to the receiver (so I can hear any noise they make in my cell phone). Then I hop in the van, speed 1.4 miles to the neighborhood Walmart, buy loads of candy bars and speed back home before anyone even notices I'm gone.
Seriously, does that not sound brilliant?? *Sigh* If only it were legal.
Upon reading this, some concerned friends thought I actually abandoned the children in search of chocolate. I assure you, it was merely a fantasy. I have not left them...yet.