Today was Presidents Day. Parker was out of school, and we decided to join some friends for play and a picnic lunch at a park. We had never been to this particular park and were very excited to explore a new place. As it turns out, all of Collin County had the exact same idea. While the park was awesome, it was also so crowded, I frequently found myself fighting off a panic attack as I constantly lost sight of the kids.
We decided to leave the main play area and walk down a winding path past lovely low hills to a paved area near the pond. It was glorious! The sun was shining, white clouds streaking across the bright blue sky. A beautiful swan paddled around the lake. After a yummy lunch, the kids raced around the pond, squeezing out every last bit of energy and fun.
We began our journey back toward the van. Everything was just perfect…
The kids began running up the hills and rolling down. What fun! "I want to!" I shouted and began up the hill, leaving Caleb in the stroller, in the care of my friends. Just as I reached the top of the hill, Parker began shrieking and waving his arms madly. "ANTS!"
Turns out he had rolled right through a fire ant hill and was covered head to toe. As he howled, I began stripping his clothes off of his flailing body. He was fighting me, and I realized he didn't want his friends to see him in his underwear. "TURN AROUND!" I roared at the crowd of frightened onlookers below. Instantly our group of friends turned their backs, and Parker and I managed to strip him to his skivvies. "MADDIE! Bring me Caleb's blanket NOW!" She rushed up the hill, and I wrapped Parker in the blanket, brushing fire ants from his hair.
I carried that huge, heavy, sobbing, embarrassed, darling little big boy all the way back to our van. It felt like miles. My heart broke with him every step of the way. "This is the worst day ever!" he moaned between sobs. "I know, I know, honey," I said soothingly. Because I do. I know what it's like to be embarrassed in front of friends and strangers. I know what it's like to get hurt, to cry, to feel like a fool.
What he doesn't know is that we all know (or will know) what that's like. What he missed was the beauty of the people in the background. The friends who quietly picked up his clothes and shoes, shaking off the ants. The moms who pushed the stroller carrying his baby brother. The friends who held his sister's hand as she crossed the parking lot.
Parker wasn't ready to hear it yet, but he is richly blessed. His friends care about him, about our family. There are there to love us and support us. And one day, he will return the favor, I'm sure.
There is never a dull moment in this crazy beautiful life, and for that I am truly grateful!
2/17/14
12/12/13
Thanks for having us over...
Dear Jesus,
I just wanted to write a quick thank you note to say thanks for inviting us over today. As you know, it was a very busy day. After we dropped Maddie off at preschool, we had to run to the post office to deliver a package, then to the grocery store to buy ingredients for dinner, veggies for the tray at the prayer group tonight, lunch for Maddie (since we thought it was a half day, and of course, it wasn't), and a gift for the preschool director (which we forgot to buy and had to since today was the last day of her school for the year). Whew! We made it back to Maddie's preschool (housed in a church) in just over an hour. That gave me time to get a front row seat, feed Caleb before the other parents arrived, and take Jack to the potty.
With Caleb strapped into the carrier on my chest, I snapped pictures of a beaming Maddie as she smiled sweetly in her angel costume and sang each line of every song just perfectly. Meanwhile, Jack was distracted by the stickers and paper I had tucked in the diaper bag. Despite his virus and ear infection, Caleb didn't make a peep.
After the program, we dropped off Maddie's lunch in her classroom and headed toward the van. I allowed Jack to dawdle on the snowy lawn as I loaded Caleb and the stroller in the van. I was shaking my head in amazement at the smoothness of our day when it dawned on me that I was standing in Your front yard.
Of course, it had been easy. I wasn't alone. You were with me the entire time. No doubt, you soothed Caleb's sore ears while simultaneously (and miraculously) keeping the ever-active Jack in his seat. So thank you, Lord. Thank you for helping me even though I'd forgotten to ask. Thank you for coming with me when we left Your house, riding in the van to take us home, to pick up Maddie again, walking with us to get Parker from school, joining us on our visit to the doctor and then the pharmacy. Thank you for giving Caleb that extra long nap so I could prepare dinner. Thank you for coming to prayer group and bringing us safely home again. Thank you for everything.
And one more thing: tomorrow, when I start my day trying to do it all on my own again, would you please remind me that I don't have to?? Thanks!
I just wanted to write a quick thank you note to say thanks for inviting us over today. As you know, it was a very busy day. After we dropped Maddie off at preschool, we had to run to the post office to deliver a package, then to the grocery store to buy ingredients for dinner, veggies for the tray at the prayer group tonight, lunch for Maddie (since we thought it was a half day, and of course, it wasn't), and a gift for the preschool director (which we forgot to buy and had to since today was the last day of her school for the year). Whew! We made it back to Maddie's preschool (housed in a church) in just over an hour. That gave me time to get a front row seat, feed Caleb before the other parents arrived, and take Jack to the potty.
With Caleb strapped into the carrier on my chest, I snapped pictures of a beaming Maddie as she smiled sweetly in her angel costume and sang each line of every song just perfectly. Meanwhile, Jack was distracted by the stickers and paper I had tucked in the diaper bag. Despite his virus and ear infection, Caleb didn't make a peep.
After the program, we dropped off Maddie's lunch in her classroom and headed toward the van. I allowed Jack to dawdle on the snowy lawn as I loaded Caleb and the stroller in the van. I was shaking my head in amazement at the smoothness of our day when it dawned on me that I was standing in Your front yard.
Of course, it had been easy. I wasn't alone. You were with me the entire time. No doubt, you soothed Caleb's sore ears while simultaneously (and miraculously) keeping the ever-active Jack in his seat. So thank you, Lord. Thank you for helping me even though I'd forgotten to ask. Thank you for coming with me when we left Your house, riding in the van to take us home, to pick up Maddie again, walking with us to get Parker from school, joining us on our visit to the doctor and then the pharmacy. Thank you for giving Caleb that extra long nap so I could prepare dinner. Thank you for coming to prayer group and bringing us safely home again. Thank you for everything.
And one more thing: tomorrow, when I start my day trying to do it all on my own again, would you please remind me that I don't have to?? Thanks!
11/24/13
The Great Great Wolf Lodge
We recently went to a Great Wolf Lodge with the kids for the first time. We had been promising the trip for about six months, you know as part of the whole, "C'mon kids, you're going to love living in Dallas...They have that cool indoor waterpark hotel called Great Wolf Lodge there. Yeah, sure we can go!" Then of course we moved to Dallas and learned that one night at Great Wolf was about the equivalent of one year of college tuition. Okay, so I'm exaggerating...a little. It took me months to find a decent price. Finally, the day had come, and we were all so excited!
While we were there, I discovered something amazing...
I could enjoy vacation. With kids! Crazy, right? But it was true! The first "vacation" we took after becoming parents was torturous. It was a large, extended family affair. While everyone else slept through the night and well into the morning, we were up feeding a two month old. As people lounged in bikinis all around me, I was self consciously trying to hide my post-pregnancy body. I was anxious every time the baby cried, which was a lot. You get the idea. It was a far cry from the relaxing, exciting, romantic trips Aaron and I were accustomed to taking.
Fast forward about six years. Add three more kids. Throw in two parents who have learned that the real joy of vacation is not about personal pleasure and relaxation - at least not in this season of our lives... The real joy comes from the children themselves. From the smiles and shrieks of joy as they bounce on hotel beds. From the wonder in their eyes as they behold something never seen before. From the wild, circular running and dancing - a physical inability to contain their excitement. From the soft, sweet head resting heavily on my shoulder at the end of the day. From warm little bodies tucked in close to mine, the blissful sighs, the "I love you's," and the sound of air softly entering and exiting four tiny noses.
Were there fights? Yes. Meltdowns? Of course. Was it worth every penny and every second of planning, packing, and working? You bet your bottom dollar!
While we were there, I discovered something amazing...
I could enjoy vacation. With kids! Crazy, right? But it was true! The first "vacation" we took after becoming parents was torturous. It was a large, extended family affair. While everyone else slept through the night and well into the morning, we were up feeding a two month old. As people lounged in bikinis all around me, I was self consciously trying to hide my post-pregnancy body. I was anxious every time the baby cried, which was a lot. You get the idea. It was a far cry from the relaxing, exciting, romantic trips Aaron and I were accustomed to taking.
Fast forward about six years. Add three more kids. Throw in two parents who have learned that the real joy of vacation is not about personal pleasure and relaxation - at least not in this season of our lives... The real joy comes from the children themselves. From the smiles and shrieks of joy as they bounce on hotel beds. From the wonder in their eyes as they behold something never seen before. From the wild, circular running and dancing - a physical inability to contain their excitement. From the soft, sweet head resting heavily on my shoulder at the end of the day. From warm little bodies tucked in close to mine, the blissful sighs, the "I love you's," and the sound of air softly entering and exiting four tiny noses.
Were there fights? Yes. Meltdowns? Of course. Was it worth every penny and every second of planning, packing, and working? You bet your bottom dollar!
11/16/13
Bouncy House Bliss
Jack was half asleep. Caleb needed to eat. And we were already running late for a bouncy house birthday party.
It had been a busy day. Good busy, but still busy. Aaron and I were tired. Though we loved the birthday boy and his family, neither of us were looking forward to another activity.
Aaron opted to stay home with sleepy Jack and hungry Caleb. I grumbled my way to the van with the older two. Fifteen minutes later were were greeted by the bright lights and blaring music of the indoor bounce park. Sigh.
"Mom, can I have some tokens to play that shooting game?" "Watch me! Watch me bounce!" I was silently cursing Aaron. As Parker blasted through space aliens, Maddie and I wandered over to the claw machine. A group of hopeful children, faces pressed against the glass, were sighing with disappointment each time the claw ascended without a prize. Frustrated parents attempted to shoo them away.
I watched, mesmerized. Didn't that little brown bear just pull loose? I'm sure that with 2 more tokens I could win it for Maddie if these little squirts would scram. Um, I mean, if these darling children would kindly give me a turn. As the other children lost interest, I feigned boredom and held back. Maddie was pulling on my arm. "Mommy, come watch me on the princess slide!" "Just a minute, sweetie. Mommy will be right there…" She headed toward the giant slide just as I inserted my tokens.
Then, out of nowhere a sweet little girl who could have been no more than two came up and began to manhandle my controls. I plastered a smile on my face. "May I have a turn?" I asked sweetly. The blinking numbers were counting down. Only 20 seconds left. I began to wrestle the controls. She thought it was a game and pulled harder. Clearly she didn't know with whom she was dealing. 10 seconds. I was embarrassed that I was clearly wrestling with a two year old (and losing) when it finally occurred to me to give her the empty token cup. "Here, Sweetie. Hold on to this tightly. Both hands! Good girl." Victory!
Followed quickly by defeat. My perfectly placed claw emerged sans bear. Deflated, I began to look for Maddie. I saw Parker hanging around the gun game, but Maddie was nowhere in sight. She wasn't on the princess slide. My heart began to race. It was a small space. There weren't a lot of people. Still. She wasn't in the next bounce tent or the next or the next. Why didn't I watch her go down the princess slide? She didn't even want that bear. What was I thinking? Why was I wasting my time, our time? Finally I caught a glimpse of her climbing through a tunnel.
"Maddie!" She ran up to me, smiling. I picked her up and twirled her around. "Maddie, I'm really sorry I didn't come and watch you slide on the princess slide when you asked. Mommy was being silly. I'm sorry."
"That's okay," she replied quickly. "You can watch me now!" We headed back to the huge pink and white monstrosity and I watched her and cheered for her over and over until she was too tired to go anymore. She joined me on the nearby bench and curled into my lap.
Suddenly, I was ecstatic to be at the party. It's so easy for me to take my kids for granted. To assume I know what they want instead of giving them what they are so clearly requesting: me. It's both humbling and wonderful to realize that Maddie just wants me. I forget that she is still so little and innocent partly because she is in fact, so big (in the 90th percentile for height and weight in her age group).
So tonight, I hugged my little big girl tightly and thanked God for our busy day and the lessons He allows me to learn, even amidst the chaos of a bouncy house party.
It had been a busy day. Good busy, but still busy. Aaron and I were tired. Though we loved the birthday boy and his family, neither of us were looking forward to another activity.
Aaron opted to stay home with sleepy Jack and hungry Caleb. I grumbled my way to the van with the older two. Fifteen minutes later were were greeted by the bright lights and blaring music of the indoor bounce park. Sigh.
"Mom, can I have some tokens to play that shooting game?" "Watch me! Watch me bounce!" I was silently cursing Aaron. As Parker blasted through space aliens, Maddie and I wandered over to the claw machine. A group of hopeful children, faces pressed against the glass, were sighing with disappointment each time the claw ascended without a prize. Frustrated parents attempted to shoo them away.
I watched, mesmerized. Didn't that little brown bear just pull loose? I'm sure that with 2 more tokens I could win it for Maddie if these little squirts would scram. Um, I mean, if these darling children would kindly give me a turn. As the other children lost interest, I feigned boredom and held back. Maddie was pulling on my arm. "Mommy, come watch me on the princess slide!" "Just a minute, sweetie. Mommy will be right there…" She headed toward the giant slide just as I inserted my tokens.
Then, out of nowhere a sweet little girl who could have been no more than two came up and began to manhandle my controls. I plastered a smile on my face. "May I have a turn?" I asked sweetly. The blinking numbers were counting down. Only 20 seconds left. I began to wrestle the controls. She thought it was a game and pulled harder. Clearly she didn't know with whom she was dealing. 10 seconds. I was embarrassed that I was clearly wrestling with a two year old (and losing) when it finally occurred to me to give her the empty token cup. "Here, Sweetie. Hold on to this tightly. Both hands! Good girl." Victory!
Followed quickly by defeat. My perfectly placed claw emerged sans bear. Deflated, I began to look for Maddie. I saw Parker hanging around the gun game, but Maddie was nowhere in sight. She wasn't on the princess slide. My heart began to race. It was a small space. There weren't a lot of people. Still. She wasn't in the next bounce tent or the next or the next. Why didn't I watch her go down the princess slide? She didn't even want that bear. What was I thinking? Why was I wasting my time, our time? Finally I caught a glimpse of her climbing through a tunnel.
"Maddie!" She ran up to me, smiling. I picked her up and twirled her around. "Maddie, I'm really sorry I didn't come and watch you slide on the princess slide when you asked. Mommy was being silly. I'm sorry."
"That's okay," she replied quickly. "You can watch me now!" We headed back to the huge pink and white monstrosity and I watched her and cheered for her over and over until she was too tired to go anymore. She joined me on the nearby bench and curled into my lap.
Suddenly, I was ecstatic to be at the party. It's so easy for me to take my kids for granted. To assume I know what they want instead of giving them what they are so clearly requesting: me. It's both humbling and wonderful to realize that Maddie just wants me. I forget that she is still so little and innocent partly because she is in fact, so big (in the 90th percentile for height and weight in her age group).
So tonight, I hugged my little big girl tightly and thanked God for our busy day and the lessons He allows me to learn, even amidst the chaos of a bouncy house party.
11/4/13
Pity Party
1:30 AM: Enter sniveling child. "Mommy, my bed is wet."
"Did you pee?"
"No, I'm just hot. And my pj's felt all wet. And I changed them. But I still can't sleep. And I'm hot."
"Lay a towel over your pillow, don't cover up, and go back to bed."
Silence. Sleep begins to descend again…."WAAAAAAA!!!!"
My feet hit the floor. I am scowling as I rush toward the room, hissing for said child to "Hush up!" before she wakes the entire house. I enter the darkened room and the smell hits me like a wall just as my feet slip in the squishy bits of disgustingness on the floor. I fumble for the light. How on earth can a child so small produce so much vomit?
I am frowning. Really? Really?! This week? When Aaron will be gone for days. Can't wait to see who else will get sick. Bet the washing machine will wake the baby tonight…On and on and on. My thoughts are on a runaway train. My mental pity party has officially begun.
As I work to strip the bed, I notice poor Maddie in the corner of my eye, shivering, watching me closely, tearful. I am certain she sees the sneer on my face. The sneer at the foul smell, at the middle of the night waking, at the inconvenience…I stop. Oh, honey.
I am finding that in every situation, there is a turning point. There is a moment when I am allowed a glimpse of my behavior and then a choice. Is this who I want to be? Is this who God is calling me to be? At that moment, I can choose selfishness and ugliness, or I can choose grace and peace.
My heart and expression begin to soften. I speak in a soothing voice and lead her to the bathroom where I clean her hair and face in the tub. She is crying that she is angry with herself for getting sick. My heart aches. "It's okay, sweetie. It happens to all of us. It's not your fault. It's no problem." Her sniffling stops and she begins to relax.
Towels on the stripped bed, hair in a pony tail, fresh pajamas, a bucket on the floor. I pull a warm blanket up to her chin and tiptoe from the room.
I'm so glad I decided to leave the pity party early. It was a dud anyway. Pretty lonely there. You know that saying, "Misery loves company"? Well, I think it's a bit misleading. People don't want to be around misery or miserable people. They may be drawn to them, like onlookers to a train wreck, but no one really wants to be there. I certainly don't.
These days, I find myself drawn more toward peace. Peace, grace, love. That's where I want to be. That's where I choose to be. Thankfully, there's always an open invitation to join that party.
So tonight, at 2:40 AM, as I sit listening to the washing machine running, feeling the wet of my soapy sleeves, and reeking faintly of someone else's, puke, I just want to share a bit of my joy. I pray you have a peaceful night, too.
Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving. Colossians 3:23-24
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. Romans 8:37
Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength. Nehemiah 8:10
"Did you pee?"
"No, I'm just hot. And my pj's felt all wet. And I changed them. But I still can't sleep. And I'm hot."
"Lay a towel over your pillow, don't cover up, and go back to bed."
Silence. Sleep begins to descend again…."WAAAAAAA!!!!"
My feet hit the floor. I am scowling as I rush toward the room, hissing for said child to "Hush up!" before she wakes the entire house. I enter the darkened room and the smell hits me like a wall just as my feet slip in the squishy bits of disgustingness on the floor. I fumble for the light. How on earth can a child so small produce so much vomit?
I am frowning. Really? Really?! This week? When Aaron will be gone for days. Can't wait to see who else will get sick. Bet the washing machine will wake the baby tonight…On and on and on. My thoughts are on a runaway train. My mental pity party has officially begun.
As I work to strip the bed, I notice poor Maddie in the corner of my eye, shivering, watching me closely, tearful. I am certain she sees the sneer on my face. The sneer at the foul smell, at the middle of the night waking, at the inconvenience…I stop. Oh, honey.
I am finding that in every situation, there is a turning point. There is a moment when I am allowed a glimpse of my behavior and then a choice. Is this who I want to be? Is this who God is calling me to be? At that moment, I can choose selfishness and ugliness, or I can choose grace and peace.
My heart and expression begin to soften. I speak in a soothing voice and lead her to the bathroom where I clean her hair and face in the tub. She is crying that she is angry with herself for getting sick. My heart aches. "It's okay, sweetie. It happens to all of us. It's not your fault. It's no problem." Her sniffling stops and she begins to relax.
Towels on the stripped bed, hair in a pony tail, fresh pajamas, a bucket on the floor. I pull a warm blanket up to her chin and tiptoe from the room.
I'm so glad I decided to leave the pity party early. It was a dud anyway. Pretty lonely there. You know that saying, "Misery loves company"? Well, I think it's a bit misleading. People don't want to be around misery or miserable people. They may be drawn to them, like onlookers to a train wreck, but no one really wants to be there. I certainly don't.
These days, I find myself drawn more toward peace. Peace, grace, love. That's where I want to be. That's where I choose to be. Thankfully, there's always an open invitation to join that party.
So tonight, at 2:40 AM, as I sit listening to the washing machine running, feeling the wet of my soapy sleeves, and reeking faintly of someone else's, puke, I just want to share a bit of my joy. I pray you have a peaceful night, too.
Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving. Colossians 3:23-24
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. Romans 8:37
Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength. Nehemiah 8:10
10/31/13
Maddie-deez
Ah my Maddie-deez,
That's what we call you. Or sometimes just Deezer. I'm not sure how you acquired that nickname, but it's yours. Uniquely Maddie.
I am certain every mother considers her daughter special, somehow different from the rest. And I am no exception. I believe you are the loveliest, brightest, sweetest girl on the planet. I wish I could capture your essence in words or even pictures, but I know they will fall woefully short. Still, being that it is your 5th birthday, I feel compelled to try…
This is an age of baby dolls and Barbies, of Polly Pockets and princesses. It is a time for darling mispronunciations (e.g. renimber for remember and aminal for animal). It is a time for tears when you fear you have been left out, for shy moments behind my legs at birthday parties, for storytelling, for singing, and dancing, always dancing. Pictures have become recognizable, and reading and writing have begun. Suddenly matching colors has taken on tremendous importance (often resulting in monochromatic outfits). Messy tangles have been replaced with neatly combed hair, complete with coordinating hair bows (Momma thought she would never see the day!). Days are filled with magical discoveries, like tiny snails peeking out of miniature shells, rabbits hiding under the trampoline, the busy inner workings of an ant hill opened with a stick. Anything involving glitter, glue, paint or stickers is worthy of an excited squeal. Mothering younger brothers is a source of great pride, as is any attention received by a much idolized older brother. Daddy's daily homecoming elicits shouts of joy, running feet, and lots of hugs. Preschool Bible verses are memorized with ease, and praise songs are always on your lips. Hugs, kisses, and cuddles are freely given.
Maddie, in short, you are my angel. You are one of the biggest blessings I have ever received. I can't imagine life without you. It's hard to believe you have only been with us for 5 years. You have lived in my heart for a lifetime.
Happy birthday, Deezer. Mommy loves you!
That's what we call you. Or sometimes just Deezer. I'm not sure how you acquired that nickname, but it's yours. Uniquely Maddie.
I am certain every mother considers her daughter special, somehow different from the rest. And I am no exception. I believe you are the loveliest, brightest, sweetest girl on the planet. I wish I could capture your essence in words or even pictures, but I know they will fall woefully short. Still, being that it is your 5th birthday, I feel compelled to try…
This is an age of baby dolls and Barbies, of Polly Pockets and princesses. It is a time for darling mispronunciations (e.g. renimber for remember and aminal for animal). It is a time for tears when you fear you have been left out, for shy moments behind my legs at birthday parties, for storytelling, for singing, and dancing, always dancing. Pictures have become recognizable, and reading and writing have begun. Suddenly matching colors has taken on tremendous importance (often resulting in monochromatic outfits). Messy tangles have been replaced with neatly combed hair, complete with coordinating hair bows (Momma thought she would never see the day!). Days are filled with magical discoveries, like tiny snails peeking out of miniature shells, rabbits hiding under the trampoline, the busy inner workings of an ant hill opened with a stick. Anything involving glitter, glue, paint or stickers is worthy of an excited squeal. Mothering younger brothers is a source of great pride, as is any attention received by a much idolized older brother. Daddy's daily homecoming elicits shouts of joy, running feet, and lots of hugs. Preschool Bible verses are memorized with ease, and praise songs are always on your lips. Hugs, kisses, and cuddles are freely given.
Maddie, in short, you are my angel. You are one of the biggest blessings I have ever received. I can't imagine life without you. It's hard to believe you have only been with us for 5 years. You have lived in my heart for a lifetime.
Happy birthday, Deezer. Mommy loves you!
8/27/13
Gift
I received a gift today. It did not come in the mail. It wasn't the brownie Aaron brought home (though that was lovely). It wasn't the picture that Parker drew at school.
It came directly from God. I had asked for it. No, I had begged for it, so I should not have been surprised when it arrived. But I was.
Today was filled with chaos. Wake the kids early so Parker would have plenty of time to get to school. Feed the baby. Make sure Jack sat on the potty seat. Eat, clear, brush teeth. Hats, sunscreen, book bag, lunch box. Go! School then to then quickly to the store. Jack's "accident" in the van. Grab the dry cleaning and groceries. Drop off overdue library books. Rush home in time to place Jack on the potty again and shove cold groceries in the fridge before baby wakes to nurse again. And on and on and on. Potty accidents everywhere. Eating wars. Toys, toys, and more toys on every surface.
That's when I asked. I sat in a chair, surveying the mess, listening to children's cries, the soundtrack of my life. And I cried. "God, help me," I whimpered. "I can't do this alone. I need your help. Please, please, help me. Be with me. Help me!" My whimpers had turned into sobs. Maddie rushed to my side, concerned.
It happened slowly. I stopped snapping at Jack. I didn't heave a sigh when Maddie dragged her feet as we walked to pick Parker up from school. I simply stopped and waited for her to catch up. Parker got home and requested we go to the pool - a request I would typically deny until dad got home to help. Sure, we can go. Small changes in my attitude and behavior I didn't notice right away.
It wasn't a typical day at the pool. The small crowd that was there cleared out shortly after we arrived. Caleb slept peacefully in his stroller. Clouds were scattered across the sky, shading us from the scorching Dallas sun. I entered the pool, much to the kids' surprise (since these days I am usually on the outside, rocking a crying or sleepy baby). I taught Parker how to do a flip and watched Maddie do her "tricks" and twirls. After awhile, I got out to dry off, and it really hit me.
I was sitting in a chair near the edge of the water. I allowed myself to get lost in the shimmering, undulating waves and focused on the soft breeze that lifted the tiny hairs on my arms. I watched the kids, strangely, beautifully detached.
I was alone. No, I was separate. I was my own person again. Jessie. No fetus growing inside, no nursing baby attached, no child pulling on my arm, demanding my attention. I was relaxed. I was not alone, I realized. I was present with the God who had given me this gift. This peace.
It was awesome. A passerby might have mistakenly assumed I was bored. I just sat there. For more than half an hour. I didn't say a word. To anyone. I stared at the water and then at the kids. Jack in his bright green flotation vest, Parker in blue swim trunks, and Maddie in her pink bikini. They were like pictures in a sweet children's book. I just sat and stared and breathed.
It was then that I remembered my earlier desperate plea. And oh, how He answered me! Thank you, thank you, thank you, Lord.
It came directly from God. I had asked for it. No, I had begged for it, so I should not have been surprised when it arrived. But I was.
Today was filled with chaos. Wake the kids early so Parker would have plenty of time to get to school. Feed the baby. Make sure Jack sat on the potty seat. Eat, clear, brush teeth. Hats, sunscreen, book bag, lunch box. Go! School then to then quickly to the store. Jack's "accident" in the van. Grab the dry cleaning and groceries. Drop off overdue library books. Rush home in time to place Jack on the potty again and shove cold groceries in the fridge before baby wakes to nurse again. And on and on and on. Potty accidents everywhere. Eating wars. Toys, toys, and more toys on every surface.
That's when I asked. I sat in a chair, surveying the mess, listening to children's cries, the soundtrack of my life. And I cried. "God, help me," I whimpered. "I can't do this alone. I need your help. Please, please, help me. Be with me. Help me!" My whimpers had turned into sobs. Maddie rushed to my side, concerned.
It happened slowly. I stopped snapping at Jack. I didn't heave a sigh when Maddie dragged her feet as we walked to pick Parker up from school. I simply stopped and waited for her to catch up. Parker got home and requested we go to the pool - a request I would typically deny until dad got home to help. Sure, we can go. Small changes in my attitude and behavior I didn't notice right away.
It wasn't a typical day at the pool. The small crowd that was there cleared out shortly after we arrived. Caleb slept peacefully in his stroller. Clouds were scattered across the sky, shading us from the scorching Dallas sun. I entered the pool, much to the kids' surprise (since these days I am usually on the outside, rocking a crying or sleepy baby). I taught Parker how to do a flip and watched Maddie do her "tricks" and twirls. After awhile, I got out to dry off, and it really hit me.
I was sitting in a chair near the edge of the water. I allowed myself to get lost in the shimmering, undulating waves and focused on the soft breeze that lifted the tiny hairs on my arms. I watched the kids, strangely, beautifully detached.
I was alone. No, I was separate. I was my own person again. Jessie. No fetus growing inside, no nursing baby attached, no child pulling on my arm, demanding my attention. I was relaxed. I was not alone, I realized. I was present with the God who had given me this gift. This peace.
It was awesome. A passerby might have mistakenly assumed I was bored. I just sat there. For more than half an hour. I didn't say a word. To anyone. I stared at the water and then at the kids. Jack in his bright green flotation vest, Parker in blue swim trunks, and Maddie in her pink bikini. They were like pictures in a sweet children's book. I just sat and stared and breathed.
It was then that I remembered my earlier desperate plea. And oh, how He answered me! Thank you, thank you, thank you, Lord.
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus
Philippians 4:6-7
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